" ...A whole buttload of 'so-bad-you'll-feel-violated'... "

      Title: Delta Delta Die! by Shadow Films

      Format: DVD-Horror/Comedy

      Reviewing Monkey: EEGAH!

      The Hype: Delta Delta Die! holds all the distant promise of catching a glimpse of mangled corpse at a car vs. pedestrian accident. Which is to say, you know that you shouldn't look and you feel all dirty inside for entertaining such morbid impulses but you sneak a quick peek anyway. The only question that remains is whether D3 is the car or the pedestrian.

      What This Monkey Thought...

      Story and Acting: Story and acting? What quaint concepts. Look, if you were really interested in these things you wouldn't be watching anything with Julie Strain in it. I know the question you really want the answer to, i.e. how much is Mrs. Strain naked? Don't worry, I'll get to that in a minute.
          The Delta Delta Pi sorority is up to something and Tobias is going to find out what it is. Campus jocks are going missing and each and every one of 'em was last seen in the vicinity of the DDP house at the time of his disappearance. Curiously, these disappearances have drawn the universal disinterest of the local authorities even though they've been going on for decades.
          Here's where it gets kind of interesting, because you see the DDP's are cannibals who entice the campus into said-same act via their immensely profitable bake sales. And now on the eve of Homecoming the Pi's are gearing up to host one helluva sinister shindig. Tobias suspects that something big is about to go down and is intent upon pissing on the parade. His numerous appeals to the dean coming to a dead end, he makes a last ditch effort to thwart their plans by going to the one person who may actually believe his outlandish stories: the estranged co-founder of the sorority. The question now is whether this decision will produce positive results or continue his untarnished streak of stupidity. The writer doesn't keep you guessing for long.
          With the philosophy in mind that the house is only as sturdy as the ground it's built on, there but for the grace of God go the performances. The acting is so motherlovin' awful that the only remotely acceptable excuse for their half-assed efforts was that the actors didn't know the camera was rolling. Many of the scenes sounded like the actors were just going through the motions. I reasoned that the director in his search for the best take relied on rehearsal footage when nothing else worked.
          The least offensive performances belong to Tiffany Shepis and Laura Nativo. Shepis sinks her teeth (both literally and figuratively) into her role as one of the sorority girls. She seems at least somewhat concerned about doing a good job (misplaced as it may be here) and for what it's worth her dedication is faintly visible through the dense veil of her one-dimensional character. It is perplexing, however, that she has abruptly relaxed her strict "no nudity" clause for such profound and thought provoking fare as this. Lord knows I love her to death, but I'm not about to make excuses for her career choices. Similarly, Laura Nativo plays a ditzy sorority sister filming a commercial for the Pi's bake sale, and even with her limited screen time manages to pull off the only other laudable performance of the film.
          As for the rest of the cast, I predict a long and illustrious career in fast food and at-home pregnancy test ads. Julie Strain lays down her standard act and with that nothing more needs to be said. Julie's little sister Lizzy gets in on the act, and while all outward appearances would seem to suggest that the younger Strain is more in the way of a traditionally trained actress than her big sis, her performance is still only marginally more seasoned than Julie's, which is to say that she doesn't have any scenes which require her to deliver derivative, dominatrixy dialog while having her breasts splashed with fake blood. However, given that her career is managed by Julie, things aren't likely to get any better.
          Far and away the worst performance in this inexcusable piece of garbage comes by way of Brinke Stevens as the ostracized sorority alum Rhonda Cooper, who brutalizes every stinking scene she appears in. And in a startling development, is about the only actress to actually keep her clothes on! 1/2 out of 5

      Visuals and Directing: This sort of film doesn't need a helmsman. It could float safely into port like a ghost ship with a dead sailor lashed to the wheel. Unfortunately this movie isn't quite lucky enough to be governed by the winds of mediocrity, but instead a man singularly focused on making the worst movie ever.
          That man is writer/director Devin Hamilton who, in addition to working from a script that would have been turned down by Ed Wood (for those wondering, I'm referring to the sloppy, drunken, weeks away from death, monster nudie flick Ed Wood), has positively NO business being behind the camera unless it's at the DMV. The humor was leaden and delivered with all the subtle finesse of Randy Johnson's "Mr. Snappy" pitch. While it is true to say that not everyone can perform humor, it would also be fair to implicate the ability of the director. The crew can bail until they collapse in an effort to keep the ship afloat, but if the captain keeps steering them into rocks the boat still sinks.
          Hmm, I seem to have gotten on a nautical theme with this section. 0 out of 5

      DVD Extras: A whole buttload of so-bad-you'll-feel-violated extras greet your slowly asphyxiating brain. The extended and deleted scenes section is a good place to view some of the scenes that weren't good enough to make the final cut. There's a blooper reel full of not particularly amusing blown takes. The section titled Outrageous Exploits is just a dumping ground for alternate takes and pointless crap like an inane home movie featuring Julie and Lizzy mugging for the camera while proving once and for all that it doesn't matter if you have an IQ that is slightly less than the caloric intake of a communion wafer as long as you're willing to get naked on film…over and over and over again. And here, Julie Strain geeks, is the moment you've all been waiting for: Mrs. Strain performs an exhaustive and thoroughly unerotic strip routine that holds the distinction of grossing me out. That's quite an accomplishment. Enjoy, pervs. 1 out of 5

      Value vs. Price: I don't know what it retails for but I'm guessing it's somewhere at the fifteen dollar mark. Even at that, it's only worth it if you're a diehard Julie Stain fan. 1 out of 5

      The Verdict:

This is the hardest movie I've reviewed yet. Just trying to review it was like attempting to describe the taste of water, it's difficult to explain something that evokes such little sensation. It's even harder to say something nice about the parts that did elicit a response. The direction was minimal at best, the camerawork shoddy, the acting so flat and wooden that it was in danger of becoming a fire hazard, the script was a piece of shit and the story was a direct rip-off of an episode of Tales from the Crypt. At its utmost, Delta Delta Die! is little more than a satisfactory whack-fest.

      The Good: Copious amounts of gratuitous nudity, which in the end is the only reason you've read this far. Bear in mind, though, quantity does not always equal quality.

      The Bad: Almost everything. I'm conditioned to like films of this stripe…so if I can't even find some shred of entertainment value then you're doing something wrong. Not incidentally, Charles Band had a hand in making this abortion, thus confirming the fact that the glory days of Full Moon are officially over.

      The Overall Ugly: DELTA DELTA PIES ARE PEOPLE! PEOPLE! Now that I have that funny business out of my system, I have a word of advice for the filmmakers: Commit suicide.

      What it's Worth: That depends entirely upon how much you enjoy basement dentistry.