" More often than not, I was left to ask 'What the Hell!?!' after each scene. "

      Title: A.I. from Dreamworks Pictures

      Format: A big pile of 35mm poo.

      Reviewing Monkey: Dungapult

      The Hype: For those of you not in the know, A.I. has been touted as Spielberg’s next "Jaws." Originally outlined by Stanley Kubrik, Spielberg adapted it, finished writing it, and made it into a multi-million dollar epic. It was hailed by the previewing press as "groundbreaking" and had some of the most confusing teaser trailers in history. So…how’d it all turn out? Read on, my Monkeys…Read on.

      What This Monkey Thought...

      Story: A.I. tells the dramatic story of a robotic boy who wants desperately to be accepted as human. Wait...Didn’t we already see that movie in the 80’s? It was called Darryl and it sucked really bad, right? Wrong…because this robot lives in a society that both builds robots to serve them and then turns around and fears and persecutes them. Wait…you’re thinking of Blade Runner, right? Harrison Ford, Sean Young…That movie was great! But no, that’s not this movie, because in this movie the persecuted robot boy goes on a journey to find the Blue Fairy and become human. Wait…Pinocheo, right? You know what…Screw it. You’re right, it is Pinocheo. It’s Blade Running Darryl in the Belly of the Frickin’ Pinocheo Whale. It’s trite, it’s melodramatic, it’s stupid, and it’s everything we’ve come to hate in sci-fi movies.
          You see, in the future, the world is too overpopulated to let everyone have kids. So, you get a license and then you get to have one. But, if your son happens to get sick for some loosely explained reason, you can’t have another. So, then you need to buy a robot boy with such horribly designed emotional palettes that if you actually have any empathy for it I’ll punch you in the throat. And then, once you have your robot boy, you mistreat him, don’t bother to explain anything to him, and then eventually drop him in the middle of the woods for no particular reason. Then, he busts all our chops by going on a quest to find some stupid fairy tale character, which he, as an intelligent robot, should be smart enough to know doesn’t exist. On the way, he’ll encounter all kinds of other ludicrous, trite, stereotypical (note the redundancy), and generally equally un-empathetic characters that behave in odd ways for no particular reason. And then…after this has gone on for 2 odd hours and your ready to pull your eyes out, it’ll keep going for another 45 minutes.
          This movie is trite (notice how many times I’ve used "trite"?), droll, mind numbingly boring, and completely uninspired. It’s supposed to make you ask, "What does it mean to be human?" Instead it asks, "Do we, as a species, really deserve to exist if we make this kind of crap?" Absolutely, completely, and totally unnecessary film making at its finest. 0 out of 5

      Acting: Academy Award winner Haley Joel Osment talks like he’s reading a "See Dick Run" book, moves like he’s got a stick up his ass, and never blinks. And, if you think that’s what it takes to play a good robot then you’ll love the characterizations. If, on the other hand, that sounds as dumb to you as it does to me, you’ll be incredibly disappointed by all of the performances in this movie. From the oddly (despite the eventual explanations) altruistic corporate president to the constantly PMSing mother, from the sadistic bastard-child brother to the creepily omnipotent robot teddy bear, no one behaves like a normal human being (i.e. in an even remotely rational manner) throughout the course of the entire movie. More often than not, I was left to ask "What the Hell!?!" after each scene. 1 out of 5

      Action: Yet another high point of this steaming pile of poo is the complete lack of any kind of action. How, and for the love of the High Monkey WHY, would you make a sci-fi robot drama without any action is beyond me. Crap. 0 out of 5

      Visuals and Directing: I can some this up into two simple statements. Most of the CGI is good. Most of the makeup is bad. As for the overall look and feel and the general directing…they both fall into that decidedly "average" category. The future, according to Spielberg, looks like every other sci-fi flick we’ve seen. Bright colors for no particular reason, flooded coastal cities, and outriding white trash forest dwellers made A.I. look a lot like Mad Max meets Star Trek. -Yawn- 3 out of 5

      Sound Track: Was there music? Shit, I didn’t notice. I was too busy being bored to tears. No…Wait…That’s not entirely true. They tried to tell me which parts were supposed to be exciting with musical crescendos and stuff… which I suppose they’ll get points for me noticing. Honestly, though…I was too busy scratching the skin off my face to notice. 2 out of 5

      Value vs. Admission: I’m an actor. That’s important for one simple reason: I have a phenomenal stage voice. I can sit in the middle of a 600 capacity auditorium and project my "speaking" voice loud enough for everyone to hear me and not have it sound like I’m shouting. Now, the reason you need to know that is because the minute the screen went black and the credits started to roll the audience fell totally silent. No talking, no whispering…Not a peep. I then filled that silence by stating in my best stage voice "I would rather shoot myself in the leg than watch that movie again." The audience laughed, several strangers patted me on the back in agreement, and…most importantly, I meant every word. 0 out of 5

      The Verdict:

Move over Battle Field Earth…Someone else has come to shit atop the steaming pile of all that is horrible sci-fi. Trite (there’s that word again), melodramatic, overstated, and droll- A.I…Once thought to mean "artificial intelligence" has come to stand for "absolutely inexcusable."

      The Good: Some almost good CGI.

      The Bad: From the minutes the credits start to the minute they stop some 3 hours later.

      The Overall Ugly: Granted, I said it before…but it best describes the situation. Voice "I would rather shoot myself in the leg than watch that movie again."

      What it's Worth: Absolutely worth the price of admission…Assuming you can find the person you hate most in this world, tie them up, and then force them to sit and watch this while you sneak gleefully into "Blade Runner" playing next door.