Game Reviews for PC, PS2, X-Box, Playstation, CCGs, Pen and Paper Role Playing and Table Top Games, plus Movies, DVDs, and Anime!

Hack n' Slash
In which we give Chimpan-A a sword, a pen, and a bag of dice to see which is mightier

Because you know you should be gaming...
But on which game?

     All right, you have taken the first big step. You've decided to get into role-playing games.

     I hear you though, you're asking "Chimpie, what game should I play?" I of course graciously answer "How the living hell should I know, do I look like freakin' Miss Cleo to you?" Then I leave to try picking up chicks with the line "Hey baby, I've got a Charisma of 20." Later, after much soul searching, and physical abuse from pissed off women, I realize it's my solemn duty to assist you in this most austere choice, and thus, pen this column.

    Towards that end I have lovingly and carefully constructed the following quiz. Take these ten easy multiple-choice questions and, using my revolutionary and patent-pending scoring system at the end, I'll tell you what game you should probably play.

                Question 1:
     When you get into a fight, do you tend to:

A) Go buck wild with the ass kicking B) Grab your cutlass and shout, "Shiver me timbers!"
C) Pick up a pipe, and start going "vwwrnn" D) Fight? I don't fight...I've got lackeys for that.

                Question 2:
     Family members often describe me as:

A) Feral B) Dashing and daring
C) A space case D) A bloodsucking leech

                Question 3:
     When I gain power, I'd rather get:

A) New and improved ways to kick ass B) Booty!
C) New skills from different paths D) Increased abilities and new dark gifts

                Question 4:
     The real world profession that interests me the most is:

A) Pit brawler B) Sailor
C) Guru D) Machiavellian Mastermind (what? It's a job!)

                Question 5:
     On a moral scale of 1 to 10, I fall at about:

A) 5, middle ground all the way B) 3.5, I'm not above some raiding and pillaging
C) 8, I'm a full fledged hero D) 1, Priests often hold up crosses in my presence

                Question 6:
     My favorite stomping grounds are:

A) The old abandoned warehouse B) The local swimming hole
C) The planetarium D) The local morgue

                Question 7:
     The quality I look for most in a partner is:

A) The ability to hold their own in a fight B) A yearning for freedom
C) An understanding of the mystical universe D) Longevity

                Question 8:
     I've got some money on hand, I need a new:

A) Weapon B) Ship
C) Power pack D) Pfft. I have no use for your 'money'

                Question 9:
     When I listen to music, I prefer something:

A) Fast paced with a hard beat B) Salty, with an old time feel to it
C) Grand and epic D) Brooding and dark

                Question 10:
     My favorite movie is:

A) Willow B) The Seven Voyages of Sinbad
C) Star Wars D) Interview with a Vampire

     Question ten was masterfully subtle, if I do say so myself. Now comes the fun part, the tallying of the score. The algorithm is really easy, simply total up the number of times you went to the bathroom while reading this site, divide by the hypotenuse of your monitor, add in the square root of twenty-seven billion, subtract your girlfriends phone number, add it to my address book, multiply by the number of seconds you can stare at the sun without blinking, and there you go! Or you can just read the answers below, and pick one…whichever floats your boat.

     If you chose a lot of answer "A's" go for Dungeons and Dragons, 3rd Edition by Wizards of the Coast. You're obviously a fighter and heavy into hack and slash- thus, D&D is just the thing for you. Featuring a wide spread of characters each with their own ass kicking abilities for you to use and abuse. This is a game to which you power gamers can really sink in your teeth. In any case, it's far more traditional, has a whole lot of supplements, and is chock full of game worlds for your use. For those of a more role play bent, who still want to kick ass also try White Wolf's Werewolf: The Apocalypse

     If "B" was more your style, then buckle your swashes, me hardies! You should try a good pirate epic like 7th Sea by AEG. This swashbuckling high seas adventure has been gaining popularity for years and is really up to stride. Play a ruthless sailor on a pirate vessel, or a simple cartographer out to chart unknown lands. Great for those who have a more historical bent in mind, but want to keep the magical fantasy intact. Feudalism rules here and you can have a lot of fun with court politics, as well as fun looting and plundering.

     For "C" I'm sure you guessed the Star Wars Role-Playing Game by Wizards of the Coast would be the way to go. You've obviously got a mind for the more modern game with a sense of the Star Wars may be exactly what you're looking for. If you liked the movies and thought that would be a fun adventure, it is. With a huge universe, allowing for epic stories, and more real world futuristic (and before you write in saying, "it happened a long time ago", screw you) this is the game for people who want to have their high fantasy operas in a period other than medieval. Plus, you get to be a Jedi...and not a wimpy one like, Luke either.

     Finally, for all you bloodsuckers who chose "D" Vampire the Masquerade by White Wolf is exactly what the coroner ordered. Featuring far more role playing than most of our other games, this is going to be the game for those of you who like to think about characters and what they're doing...especially since there's much more social manipulation here than anywhere else. This is also a game for those of you who like to be evil. Make no bones about it, you're a creature of the night and not the slightest bit ashamed of it. Horrible things will happen and you'll be the cause and it will make you happy; puppies will be kicked, videos will be returned late and not rewound, and rolls of Sharmin will be squeezed and get the picture. And, since you obviously want to be an amoral leech, you probably liked it.

     There you go. Now you know the game you ought to be playing. The next step is easy! Find a group playing it or make one of your own and start gaming! It's that simple. Each of these games has merits, and flaws, and you should easily be able to find the one best suited to you. Of course, these aren't all the games out there, but these are some of the bigger names right now. That makes them a great, and easy, place to start. And, in case you're wondering, the above test is fully certified and official for use in determining gaming fates. Now get out of here…I think I've got another solid gold pick up line coming-"Hey baby, My Manipulation Subterfuge pool in 10. Now how about we get it on?"

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