" Makes you want to jump into a car, track down the no talent pedaphiles that made this thorny crown of dried shit sitting atop a steaming poo mountain, and beat them. "
Title: Voodoo Academy by Cult Video
Format: 1 hour and 35 minutes of pure mind numbing torture on DVD.
Reviewing Monkey: Dungapult
The Hype: All I can remember about the hype on the back of the video box was something about a seminary school that is a secret front for some voodoo coven…But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that this review is a warning. A warning to stay away…far away…from this film. Read it, memorize it, and burn the title into the inside of your eyelids…So that you’ll remember to take your own life before you’re ever exposed to this unbelievable bastard child of all that is unholy.
What This Monkey Thought...
Story: The story, simply, is that some
demon chick sets up her boyfriend as another L. Ron Hubbard messiah so that
they can start a bible school that is secretly a front for them to recruit six
virgins, turn them into voodoo dolls, and raise an army of the dead to take
over the world. Pretty standard, I guess, for a way off center "B" movie. Now,
with that out of the way, there are a few important things you should know.
The first is that the entire plot, literally, is divulged in the final four minutes of the movie and is never even hinted at prior. So, the entire first hour and thirty-one minutes is simply for your masochistic enjoyment. That’s bad.
What’s worse is that to get that masochistic enjoyment out of it, you’d have to be into boys of questionable ages being drugged, brainwashed in the name of God, and then erotically massaged, in a classic display of authority abuse molestation, by a fake priest before finally suffering a horrible FX sequence turning them into strange little dolls with bad CGI cropping of their heads on the shoulders.
Honest to High Monkey, the entire movie revolves around screwed up religious preachings (so dedicated that we honestly were debating as to whether or not there was a neo-fundamentalist message hidden in the script), leading to the defiling of young boys (first by themselves and then by others), and winding up with those same young boys being turned into little burlap voodoo dolls. It would have almost been comical if it wouldn’t have been so completely frickin’ disturbing. And I don’t mean just because it was two guys lovin’ each other (I have no problem with that…Doesn’t do anything for me personally, but hey- each to their own). It was disturbing because the whole thing could have been written like it was an outline for the FBI’s new NAMBLA pedophiliac profile…And the producers expect us to find it erotic. -2 (yes, that’s a minus two) out of 5
Acting: I don’t know if it would have been possible for this boil on the ass of humanity to have been acted well…And we’ll never get an answer with the incompetent and completely and totally unbelievable job put forward by the cast. The acting is below porn quality. Enough said. 0 out of 5
Action: Because a fight scene or two might have been entertaining- they have been decidedly removed from Voodoo Academy. I say removed because there was actually anti-action: that being the lack of action when action was entirely necessary. In several scenes the lead character is being, essentially, kidnapped…and rather than fight or struggle, he just sort of hangs his head down and goes meekly. Disturbing. 0 out of 5
Visuals and Directing: I think that the director, between double hits of morphine and gentially injected crack, figured that shooting a movie this bad on anything but VHS camcorder quality film would be a discredit to the artistic process…And so the entire thing, to quote one of the Monkeys watching, looked like it was shot on old World War 2 era stock. Definitely sufficient to make you happy you spent all that money on a DVD player. Plus, to complete the wonderful ambiance, the entire thing is lit like a subway station bathroom- either way too bright or so dark you just know something bad is happening out of view. 0 out of 5
Sound Track: It’s amazing what you can do with 2 women who can almost harmonize and a 1970’s era Casio. Makes me wonder why disco is dead. 0 out of 5
DVD Extras: I’m hesitant to rate this category…As "Extras" imply something more than the initial offering…Which in and of itself will make you run for the hills, hide in a cave, and wait for the nukes to fall. Still, if you happen to get through the movie and make it to the "Special Features" section, you won’t be disappointed. That, of course, is because the extras offered are every bit as bad as the feature itself. Bloopers that are simply discarded takes (not funny, not even really screwed up, just not used), commentary that should just be one long apology but somehow manages to sound like the director’s actually proud of this crap, and a behind the scenes that’s, honest to mercy, includes home video footage of such exciting sequences as them setting up lights, lounging in chairs waiting for the next shot, and drinking coffee. Amazing. 0 out of 5
Value vs. Admission: If there is a value to this movie, it’s that it will honestly make you so mad that you may get back in your car, drive to the video store, and kill everyone in it. Which, on the plus side, will probably get you out of your late fees. 0 out of 5
| I’ve seen movies that made me wish
for those hours of my life back. I’ve even seen movies that made me mad.
But I have never, ever seen a movie that made me feel violated. Personally,
honestly, and totally filthy from my eyes to my ass. It’s the kind of
experience that makes you want to jump into a car, track down the no talent
pedaphiles that made this thorny crown of dried shit sitting atop a steaming
poo mountain, and beat them. Severely, relentlessly, and without mercy.
Beat them, with some magical rubber baton that will only break bones on
the 150th or 200th hit, so relentlessly that eventually all 206 bones
in their body shattered.
Also, as an aside, this movie officially rated a "0 out of 5." However, we never expected anything that bad to come along so their isn't currently a graphic for it. That may change...But in the mean time, this movie gets lucky with a half point it doesn't deserve.
The Good: That some day the emotional scars will fade.
The Bad: I won’t even dignify that with a response.
The Overall Ugly: We actually debated whether or not Voodoo Academy should be reviewed. We tried, valiantly, to convince ourselves that we could just sweep it under the dung pile and forget we ever saw it. But we had to warn you…had to…So that you could warn others. So that our pain would mean something. So that no one else would ever have to endure the horror…
What it's Worth: Super spies of the world beware…this movie is Dr. Evil’s new torture device.