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     " Sure, it's real shiny, and there be bouncin' boobies, but there is nothing to make this game viable over the hundreds of choices you have available to you. "

      Title: Kakuto Chojin from Microsoft Game Studios

      Format: X-Box Fighting game

      Reviewing Monkey: Chimpan-A

      The Hype: "Welcome to a real fight" the box proudly proclaims- and there's definitely a fight in there. Microsoft tries to bolster its X-Box library with an entry into one of the most crowded genres in the video game market. Will it give you a wallop or does it have a glass jaw? Read on and find out.

      What This Monkey Thought...

      Graphics: Maybe it's time we went to the developer time out corner...if this is advancement, then I think it's time we took a step or two back. It essentially looks like they decided to play with every character lighting toy the X-Box had. And while that may sound good in theory, what you end up with is a bunch of really shiny people battling it out in relatively dull environments. I mean, seriously, how can you make your fighters look like they've just stepped out of a vat of baby oil, and yet your arenas are lit about as well as a strip club with ugly dancers? Then again, it does sort of make sense once you see the models themselves, which while meant to look all trim and fit end up most of the time looking like bunch of heroin-chic meat puppets. But worst, or at least most amusing of all, is it seems as though at the last minute, they realized that the graphics were ugly as hell, so they tried to appease us with breast jubble that's as good as the original DOA (remember the "bounce up to chin then down to knees…"). As in breasts which defy all physical laws in their buoyancy. And while some of the characters are slightly distinctive: a ninja who looks like he shops at the local BDSM store, a Norse dude with a mask who talks like a six year old girl, an American who looks almost exactly like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, nothing the game offers visually is overly memorable. There are also some weird graphical issues: people fall in weird ways before suddenly snapping to the ground, or your foot going directly through someone's chest in the slowed down "Matrix" style replay…not in the good way either, in the cheap, clipping error way. Not good for a game that heavily touts its "graphical advancements". 2.5 out of 5

      Playability: Have you ever played a fighting game? Any fighting game? Then you're pretty good to go here. This game offers nothing new. Maybe six years ago Kakuto would have had something to say, but as it stands what you end up with is a game that plays like everything else with absolutely nothing to distinguish it from the glut of fighting games on the market. There are a couple of places where they tried to add something; like beat the game and you unlock a new move set for that character. Unfortunately, they never got past the trying phase. That new move set? It happens to look and work exactly the same, but does slightly more damage. Woo frickin Hoo. The controls are workable, although most of the actions are done through rapid pressing of the same button over and over again. Essentially it's as playable as any other game out there, as long as you're happy playing the bottom of the barrel. The real problem with this game is that they tried to make it a graphics show boat, but the graphics failed. They then forgot to put any kind of depth into the rest of the game. What you end up with is an action game where the action is as exciting as phone sex with a deaf/mute. 1.5 out of 5

      Multiplayer and Replayability: There are two multiplayer modes. Versus and Capture the crown. The one (1) really good point in the game is that the mulitplayer is four player. All at once, arena style. If the game itself were more fun, this would rule. As it stands, it just brings a point of light to what would otherwise be a game banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Playing through the main mode involves fighting every other character in a long and boring endless stream of fights, followed by a trite and uninspired boss fight. There are only two things to unlock in this game, a character and an arena. You unlock the character the first time you play. Given how incredibly boring going through this game is, there's no reason to look for the arena. Really, playing through the game once is more than enough for anybody. 2.5 out of 5

      The Verdict:

       Have you tried the best? Have you tried the rest? Have you tried dipping your testicles in anti-freeze? Well then I guess you can try this next. The "Real Fight" here is the fight to stay interested in this game fifteen seconds after taking the plastic off. Sure, it's real shiny, and there be bouncin' boobies, but there is nothing to make this game viable over the hundreds of choices you have available to you. In the end, I say pass it up, and go dig DOA3 out of the collection.

      The Good: Shiiiiiny… I like… shiny…

      The Bad: Did you not just read the review? Jeebus, everything!

      The Overall Ugly: Man, just look at some of these characters. Looks like they had an ugly tree fall on their heads. Don't get this game.

      What it's Worth: A permanent spot on the "I was high when I bought this" shelf.

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